Choose Kindness

The world is a turbulent place right now. You can’t move for hearing about Corona virus. But something positive has emerged from this pandemic. Kindness.

This year the theme of World Mental Health Week is kindness, and rightly so. In my opinion, we should always be kind to one another but these difficult times seem to be bringing out the best in people. I have enjoyed the plethora of acts of kindness that I have seen, from Captain Tom raising £32 million for the NHS to takeaways donating food to front line workers, and everything in between.

Kindness is everywhere.

And I love it.

But are we doing enough? Of course we are. For other people. But are we being kind to ourselves? Are we looking after number one? I know I’m guilty of not being kind to myself, and I’ll bet I’m not alone.

Looking after ourselves has never been more important. But how do we do it? What does it involve? Is it hard?

The simple answer is no, it’s not hard. Do what makes you happy, for me that’s getting fresh air, be it a short run or a walk, the other day it was skimming stones into the sea like I did when I was a kid. It doesn’t have to be anything expensive or fancy. It just has to work for you. I’m not here to judge, far from it, I just want to encourage you to spend 10 minutes, just 10 minutes being kind to yourself.

Read a chapter of that book you’ve been putting off, spend some time in the garden if you have one, pluck your eyebrows. Do it. Just try it. Please. Be kind to yourself.

We’ve proved we can be kind and generous to one another, now is the time for you.

In a world that has decided
That it’s going to lose its mind
Be more kind, my friends
Try to be more kind

If you want to, let me know how you’ve got on. Or just bask in the glory of knowing that you’ve been kind to yourself today.

World Mental Health Day 2019

Refreshing. That’s what today was. Refreshing.

It was a beautiful sight to see so many friends sharing positive messages about Mental Health. It made such a change from the dirge of Coleen Rooney and Brexit. People opening up and having real conversations. It was refreshing.

I picked up my latest prescription of anti depressants and friends with an unusual spring in my step as I spent my time waiting in the pharmacy, scrolling through Social Media to see so many friends posting about this important day. It was refreshing.

I’ve not been having the best time recently but just about keeping up appearances. Being silent isn’t being strong. So I’ve opened up to a few new people including a new Psychiatrist on my troubles. It was refreshing to unburden myself.

The best way I can describe my recent moods is ‘meh’. I’ve, unbeknownst to me, lost interest in a lot of things, lots of can’t be bothered. But talking has helped. And those friemds hopefully know who they are and have helped me more than they know. So im not as miserable as I was. It’s refreshing to feel normal again.

So please, talk, share, laugh, love, hug and look after one another. You never know when being nice to another human is making a huge difference to them.

Now, I’m off to refresh my news feeds to see what other positive messages I’ve missed.

Parental Advisory Explicit Content

It’s been a while brewing this blog, but here goes.

I have spent the last few months in a mood limbo which I have now come to know as contentment. From a terrible start to the year resulting in many years and sleepless nights for me and my family, I am now in a phase where everything is, well, fine.

I have changed jobs in that time which has given me a renewed focus and fantastic colleagues to share my days with. At home, I sleep better, I eat well, I think (THINK) I’m less of a grump. All in all things are going well. I am content.

But fearful. My old friends anxiety, self doubt and depression creep in when I’m aware of my contentment and fill my brain with negative thoughts. But I’m learning to deal with them through some self reflection like this. I know I’m ok. I know there will be bad days but it’s reminding myself that these won’t last and my world can’t come crashing down again. I started the year in such a dark place, I was petrified to be alone. Now as I sit, nay, lie here writing this on my own, a little smile crosses my face safe in the knowledge that I’m ok.

I can put this down to a plethora of factors, medication, support from those around me and a desire to change my mindset. This year I have achieved physical feats never to be repeated. It’s now time to challenge my mind and improve on contentment. I can do this. I will do this.

This is me.

Alright Mate? Full Poem

Alright mate?

Let’s get this straight.

Don’t hate

Don’t just tolerate

Don’t ignore

I implore

My mind it castrates

Thoughts burn and berate

Let’s get this stuff off my plate

Alright mate?

I don’t want your sympathy mate

But your time you can donate

Ease my burden mate

The dark, it fixates

Alright mate



I’ve opened the flood gate

I know I frustrate

But it’s just my trait

For so long, I can’t backdate


my heart rate


My problems I’ll narrate

Gain weight

Lose weight

My mind prison, I’m the only inmate

Not today, not a playmate

I might migrate

Escape, fall or just stagnate

Tried drugs, hugs

Tried to walk, to talk


But all I wanna hear is

Alright mate?

Alright, mate.

You need to activate

To regulate

But I can’t concentrate

So desolate

I overestimate

I formulate that

I need you mate

I’ll hibernate

Real life I imitate

Not intimate

I lacerate

Expel my hate

I self medicate

I postulate

Can’t recreate

Day by Day I orchestrate

“Normal life?”

I suffocate

Don’t speculate

Just ask

You Alright mate?

I don’t innovate

I vegetate

Not appreciate

Not collaborate

But it’s not deliberate

Will you be alright mate?

I debilitate

But don’t discriminate

Carry on and I’ll seal my own fate

But wouldn’t it be great, to hear,

Alright mate?

Skin emaciate

Hope evaporates

I manipulate

Never participate

We procrastinate

All I need

To resuscitate

Is alright mate

Your here

I can recuperate

Eating sulphates, nitrates

I won’t deteriorate

Affects my metabolic rate

Fertility rate

With time, I can invigorate

Is it a temporary state?


Alright mate.

My psychological state

Don’t underestimate


Light after dark


Don’t deteriorate

Stop hallucinate

Let’s reintegrate


Don’t impersonate



Alleviate your affiliate

With an alright mate?


Help me navigate



I will illustrate

And fascinate

Let’s celebrate

Change my state

Conversations we update

To start with a genuine

Alright mate?

Alright Mate? – World Mental Health Day 2018


Doesn’t take a lot does it? Just to check in. To ask how someone is feeling. And if they feel like telling you they will. But double check. That’s one of the key messages coming out of this year’s World Mental Health Day….and I love it.

For someone in the midst of a difficult time, as I am at the moment, the simplest question can be so very powerful. So with that in mind, I have recently been experimenting with poetry – it actually pre dates this crisis, but the message remains the same.

I donated a poem to an album of music which was released today, details of which can be found below, you can buy a digital copy of the album or stream through Spotify.

So please, have a listen, and check in on someone today. It worked for me. Someone has genuinely asked if I’m alright, and it’s made my day.

Anxiety’s calling in my head


It’s a word in common language, used everyday. By all of us. By me. But I’d never really had a proper panic attack before last week. Now I know the meaning.

I was having a shower, odd place for a panic attack I know but stick with me here. I tilted my head a bit too far back, and took on a bit too much water in my nose and eyes.

This is when the panic set in. Hyperventilation. Sweating (I didn’t know I could sweat in the shower). All in a matter of seconds. My fragile mind transported back twenty odd years to when I nearly drowned. I say drowned. Someone tried to drown me. A swimming instructor.

So I never learnt to swim properly until I was 21, taught after I finished my degree on my post-university holiday. All because of fear. Anxiety. Panic. I’m still not a strong swimmer because this latent fear sits in the back of my mind. So please don’t expect me to jump in to save you if you’re struggling. I’ll try but I can’t promise anything.

So here I was. In the shower. Trying to catch my breath. Water still gushing out. Trying to get a sense of my surroundings again so I can calm myself down. Easier said than done.


Where am I? I can’t breath. I’m definitely going to die. God it’s wet. It’s hot. I’m hot. Oh my god. I’m going to pass out. In my shower. Alone. And it’ll use up all the hot water. Then I’ll be in trouble.

So I sat down. Don’t ask me why. I just did. I was closer to the taps. I could survive. I will survive. The waters stopped. Why am I still breathing like I’ve just sprinted an uphill marathon?

Calm down.

I can’t.

Then slooooooowly. A old lesson came back to me. I briefly revisited a meditation exercise I learnt from the big breakfast in the 90s. Closed my eyes. Breathe in through the nose. Out through the mouth. Within what felt like an hour but was probably a minute I was back to myself.

Back to normal. Well as normal as I can be.

So I have reflected on this experience in the last week. It has taught me that I can overcome fears, be that fear of open water by using the help of friends or overcoming a small panic by utilising old skills.

I can do this. You can do this. We all carry round baggage. Fears. Beliefs. Disbeliefs. Thoughts. Keep on top of them. Let them out from time to time. Talk to each other. Start a conversation. Embrace each other and respect our differences.

Be beautiful to one another

A Vicious Cycle (minus the lycra)

Ever wake up in a bad mood? For no apparent reason? No idea what’s causing it but nothing helps?

Well this has been me for the last few days. Stuck in a high level of grump. Every little thing annoying me. Snapping at family and friends when they’ve done nothing wrong.

And this is where my vicious cycle kicks in.

So I’m grumpy. I hate it. I’m largely a happy go lucky chap. Keep smiling. Keep calm. Carry on kind of exterior. But this is rubbish. I snap. I feel worse. I grump. I feel worse. I then end up feeling down because I’ve upset (or feel like I’ve upset people). 

So how does it stop? At the moment? I have no idea but i don’t like where it’s heading. But knowing this is happening, and knowing its not all me but a large part of it is out of my control provides a crumb of comfort.

Trying to snap out of it? Easier said than done. Depression has some powerful weapons in it’s armoury. It’s ability to isolate me is huge. Because when I feel like this, i feel i want to be alone, but that doesn’t help. 

And thus my vicious cycle continues until something changes. But what is that something and when will it come? Perhaps It’s a bereavement reaction to events of the last week? Who knows.

I wish i knew

Looking into the mirror and reflecting

I woke up this morning not unlike any other day. But the realisation of today’s date hit me.

15 years ago. I woke up in the middle of my summer holidays after finishing my GCSEs and ecperienced the worst day of my life. One that has shaped my personality, character, values and self ever since. That was the day i lost my dad. 15 years old. 5 days before my 16th birthday.

The 13th of August has plagued me ever since. Like a grim reminder of life’s cruel twists. For me, this event has no doubt been the trigger for the crippling depression i have battled for half of my life. From the dizzy highs to rock bottom. There is a cause. 

But in recent years, i found myself infinitely more reflect about the hand life has dealt me so far.

So this morning. I took a long hard look in the mirror and refused to allow this date to ruin my day and weekend. I stood. Quietly taking stock of what was looking back at me. Sure the greys are coming through thicker by the week. And I’m not in the best of shape. But all of those external things i am very aware of.

It’s time that shown me my internal struggles. Through several, and i mean several, therapists, i am now at a much reflective point in my life that allows me to look in the mirror and not hate myself. And not cry. And not despair.

Yes. I would took give a limb to have my dad back by my side. But i am quickly turning into him. And I’m ok with that. His influence on the person (some would say man but i still feel like a kid) i have become. I utilise humour. All the time. I love food and cooking. I love my family, and being a good dad is key to me. The list could go on but my hand is getting tired.

So, where do we go from here? I would usually raise a glass to my dad, but I’m taking a break from alcohol. So I’m going to put on some old punk, and look in the mirror. Grateful for those who have made me who i am.


So here in my mental health lab, I have been making some small adjustments following what i wouldn’t quite call a relapse but a bad day.

I have been nicely settled on my antidepressants for a little while now, nothing really of note happening mentally but almost ignoring the physical side of things.

Here’s where the lab comes in. What does a good lab do? Tests. So i did some research. 

The type of antidepressants i take MAY increase estrogen and decrease testosterone which may account for my weight gain. Whuch started me thinking about testosterone and its affect on my memtal health.

Some interesting stuff out there. The first thing i did after whinging about my weight was to change the type of pants i wear. Keeping everything snug can decrease testosterone which may have been the root of some of physical issues. 

I’ve also cut put alcohol completely. 2 weeks sober and counting. My aim is to get near to 100 days to see if i feel a benefit. I’ve also had a bit of a word with my diet.

So 2 weeks in, and have all the test tubes and bunsen burners been worth it? Well. Yes. But. What’s caused the change? Cleaner living? Looser pants? Medication actually working withput being suppressed by alcohol?

Who knows. But I’m happier than I’ve been in a while. Do i change my pills? Do i just keep up everything im doing? Somewhere in between? I definitely feel better. And that’s what it’s about really. 

Am i getting sentimental about my illness or am i actually recovering to a level of semi mental?

My demons had put on weight. It was time to exorcise them

So. We all have memories associated with different things, places, smells, objects, tastes, songs, films – the list is endless but for me, one song in particular has always, well, I suppose, had a hold over me emotionally.

When I was younger, I’d walked out of bars and parties because it had been played. Fighting back tears because of the memories. But the old cliche says time is a great healer.

So a couple of weeks ago, I went away on stag weekend with a few friends to Liverpool – my old stomping ground, memories galore. The weekend itself was incredible but that’s a tale for another day. One of our evenings culminated in a karaoke bar – where unbeknownst to me, that song came back to haunt me.

The song was played at my late father’s funeral, and i genuinely thought I would never be able to listen to again – for obvious reasons. But in a room full of friends with a belly full of alcohol, one friend belted out said song and it blew away 15 years worth of demons. Just like that. Friends. Laughter. Time. Change the setting and context and i was able to relive a very difficult situation with new eyes and ears.

It’s odd. Because since then, my mood seems to have levelled out. I really think i have put something to rest within myself. Something has shifted within me, and I like it. Nay. I love it. I never thought such a life altering experience would or could happen on a stag weekend.

Here is the song. Please enjoy it. Hug each other. Smile. Be kind to people. Smile. Laugh. 

Aerosmith – I don’t wanna miss a thing